Quick: Name Nintendo’s most dangerous character. Bowser? Eh. Ganon? Oh, please. Whoever’s keeping Mother 3 from being localized for the West? Blistering hot take, but still no. The most dangerous Nintendo character is far and away Professor E. Gadd from the Luigi’s Mansion series. This little apple-headed weirdo knows no country, fears no god, and was clearly asleep during the “Don’t Perform Morally Wrong Experiments” unit during his stint at Scientist School.
Worse, Nintendo offered E. Gadd a stage on its official website for Luigi’s Mansion 3, where he cheerfully chronicles the creation and (repeated) destruction of a Luigi clone made out of ghost boogers. Since “Gooigi” is comprised primarily of a new chemical substance brilliantly named “Goo,” E. Gadd believes he has free rein to test Gooigi’s limits. The poor fellow is burned, smashed, and dissolved. Yet, he endures every punishment with a stony expression. It’s as if Gooigi knows he should not be, and every minute he lives is akin to a millennium of agony—but he refuses to break. Instead, he just…puddles. He always reforms, though. He doesn’t give up. We salute you Gooigi, you quivering mass of dollar store Flubber.
Gooigi’s mere existence as a madman’s plaything is brave by itself, but the semi-solid green dude is also an important part of Luigi’s Mansion 3. He’s a capable ally in combat, and he’s an important component in solving the puzzles scattered throughout the haunted hotel. Find out for yourself when the game comes out on October 31.
Meantime, Nintendo, what’s your next move? Going to offer some web space to EarthBound’s Giygas so he can offer us his thoughts while he pulls us into a pitch-black abyss of horror and suffering? For shame.